


I'm not stupid, dickface!

by reprimanded_by_evil



Series: Acceptable Craziness & Friends [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 22:04:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18019307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reprimanded_by_evil/pseuds/reprimanded_by_evil
Summary: What the fuck?That was all anyone could say when they saw Five appear and then go down like a ton of bricks."Um, well here's the exit wound for a bullet... But uhhhhh I can't find the entry wound guys.." Diego sounded so confused, and Luther sputtered."How can a bullet have left his body, because, you know, the exit wound, but there is no hole where the thing went in?" Allison and Vanya went to find the med kit, but Klaus rolled his eyes and flipped down on the nearest couch.





	I'm not stupid, dickface!

**Author's Note:**

> So I feel the need to tell the origins of this little thing here.. I was sitting on the bus to the transfer point for my school, when someone in the back said something about an exit wound, but no entry, which to me connected to Five for some reason.. I also want to clarify that this story, as well as most of mine in this fandom, takes place an approximate 2-3 years after the season 1 finale, with the assumption that nothing else happens to these guys. I also work under the theory that they are rewriting the timeline as the progress, meaning that they are deleting the old one, and forgetting it slowly. Therefore, Klaus has mostly forgotten Dave, and Five doesn't recall a good portion of the apocalypse, etc. In his case though, he is forgetting things slower due to the fact (in my mind) that he exists partially outside the timeline itself. He has perfect recollection of the Commision for this reason, as that organization also exists in time's periphery.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this though, because I like it, and this ship, a lot, even though it goes pretty well unrecognized.
> 
> This was intended to be a little extra side adventure that goes with a bigger story that I'm writing, but said bigger story is under severe critique from my mother/beta, thedemntedferret..

They were fighting some dicks that decided today was the day to rob a bank in NYC.. Poor life choice. The Umbrella Kids were doing pretty good, even Klaus, whose power is usually fairly useless in these situations, was being helpful. He also recently developed the ability to levitate himself, and other things within 20 feet of him. He and Five were working on capacities for the both of them.

Allison was Rumoring one of the Baddies to kiss the ground Vanya walked on, and Klaus was laughing hysterically as he threw Baddies around like ragdolls. Luther and Diego were picking off any strays while Ben played Klaus' back up. Three groups of two, perfectly synced and in tune to the other's movements. They all left Five unattended because, well... Five's kind of a dick. To everyone. He was busy teleporting around, killing random Baddies to his hearts content outside.

When all the would-be getaway drivers were thoroughly incapacitated, Five teleported inside, where Diego was finishing the last guy with a well aimed knife, when he suddenly went down.

"Five!!!" Klaus' scream surprised everyone, and Diego and Luther immediately rushed to their fallen brother's side.

"Dad, Five's down, we need emergency evac, urgently!" Luther commed in to their father's system, as he carefully lifted Five, trying not to jostle any potential wounds.

All six teens rushed to the back of the bank, where Grace awaited with the teleportation device the Father had built, with Five's aid. She gathered her children around her, and activated the machine, dropping them in the commons room, and Luther put Five on the nearest table.

Diego immediately began searching the boy over, looking for the wound. Luther hovered over the downed Five's other side.

"Um, well here's the exit wound for a bullet... But uhhhhh I can't find the entry wound guys.." Diego sounded so confused, and Luther sputtered.

"How can a bullet have left his body, because, you know, the exit wound, but there is no hole where the thing went in?"  
Allison, Grace and Vanya went to find the med kit, but Klaus rolled his eyes and flipped down on the nearest couch.

"B-But this doesn't make any sense." Diego stared at the wound on Five's back in astonishment.

"Maybe you're just wrong?" Luther half asked, shrugging. He had no idea either.

"No! I'm not wrong, this is an exit wound from a bullet. I just don't know where the entry wound is." Diego said fiercely.

"Guys, I think I know." As usual, Klaus was ignored. Allison brought the med kit, then disappeared with Mom and Vanya somewhere, long deciding that they didn't care past that point. Klaus, having given up on ever being heard, got up, and began correcting any flaws in Five's current equations. Diego and Luther began patching Five's wound up, continuing to bicker about possibilities of how the injury took place at all.

Suddenly, Five lurched up, and swiftly pinned Diego to the ground, one of his own knives pressed to his throat.

"Easy tiger" Klaus cackled pulling at Five's arm. "Come on Sunshine." Five glanced up at Klaus, and came easily with him. As soon as Diego was not in mortal danger, Luther burst out laughing.

"You.. you went d-down so easily! You know, for someone so 'trained' as you, you'd figure that you'd be able to defend yourself against some one who's already injured damnit!" Luther hiccuped through his laughter. Diego recovered, and pushed at his brother's shoulder.

"I let him get the upper hand, if I wanted to, I could have killed him without trying." He muttered indignantly.  
The two renewed their argument about what happened, beginning to clean up the medical stuff they pulled out. Five stared blankly at his equations for a few minutes, muttering to himself about assholes fucking with his shit, when he suddenly whirled around.

"Shut up! If you haven't figured it out yet, you never will, you idiots." This earned him indignant huffs from his two posturing brothers, and an eye roll from Klaus.

"He-ey!! I know how it happened! It's just that no one ever listens to me." Klaus said casually, but Five could see the old sting that lie beneath his words. Luther and Diego laughed derisively in unision.

"Sure, Klaus. I'm sure you know waaay more than us, right?" Luther asked condescendingly. To this, Klaus narrowed his eyes and stood, moving silky, as if a jaguar hunting its prey.

"Of course. You both have the combined Intellect of a retarded fetus that was thrown against a wall. You'd both probably be smarter if you took a break from your dick measuring contest and payed attention to something other than vagina." Both teens looked stunned, and more than a little hurt at Klaus' words. Klaus turned to Five and smiled, deadly sweet.

"You teleported and when you reformed, your body did it around the bullet." The boy didn't even blink, but as soon as he finished speaking, he turned and began to walk away, leaving his brothers in stunned silence.

"I'm not stupid, dickfaces!" Klaus shouted as he made is way to his room.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, and if you didnt, feel free to tell me what I did wrong in the comments below. Also, if you have a fic you want me to write, just leave me the ship and any additional details you'd like to see. THANK YOU LOVELIES!!!!
> 
> Update: I have officially posted the big fic, Accepted Craziness, chapter 1


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